Alone

“You never realise how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you have a bunch of things to talk about and no one to tell them to.”

Hi.
It’s 10:18pm and I can’t even think about attempting to sleep with all of these thoughts rushing around in my mind.

It’s always okay during the day. Well, mostly.
There are those days where I can’t get out of bed all day. The days where I am so numb inside that I don’t even know if I’m alive anymore.

I want to live. I want to laugh so much that I cry. I want to feel adrenaline pumping through my veins. I want to feel what it’s like be with someone who genuinely loves you for you. I want to wake up one day, 10 years from now, next to my husband and having our kids jumping on our bed before we all make pancakes in our pyjamas and spend the weekend watching films together.

I want to love someone. I want to do so many things, but I can’t.
I’m trapped in between these four walls, in a new unknown place.
I don’t know anyone here.
I reach out to people. They say they’re busy. I reach out again. They cancel.
I tried to let my walls down for someone. They used me and left.

I’m trying so hard. So hard that my eyes are stinging as I write this.
I’m sick of crying.
I keep hearing people say they’ll be around if you need them… But when you do need them, where are they?

I get up. I put my hair into a ponytail and I wash my face.
I put on a nice jumper and some jeans.
I spray some perfume onto my wrists.
I work. I scroll through my phone. I work.
The hours pass, I get back in to my pyjamas, the perfume lingers on my wrists like a constant reminder that no one else has smelt it all day.

It’s Saturday. The last time I was around someone was on Monday.
“No one cares that you’re here” circles around in my head like a song on repeat.
I begin to believe the things I hear, as they are the only things that I’ve heard all day.
Maybe I am the things that those people keep telling me.
Maybe I am unlovable. Maybe I am disgusting. Maybe I’ll always be alone.

I am lost.

I spend my days applying my social media mask onto my face and making other people happy.
“Go out and join a club!” They say. “Go to cafés and meet people!”
When your mind is isolated to the point of believing that there is simply something wrong with you because of the way your life currently is, you don’t even want to go out to meet people, because you feel like they will take one look at you and see you as all the twisted things your head tells you that you are.

Swallowing the lump of anxiety in my throat, I apply my makeup, brush my hair and walk outside.
I walk to the café and I sit there alone.
Everything in my body is telling me to run. Leave. This is pointless. This is embarrassing. Everyone here knows you’re alone. Everyone thinks you’re weird. Leave. Now.

I push through it. I order my tea, making sure I give a friendly smile to the waitress.
She doesn’t make eye contact with me as she writes on her notepad and swiftly moves on to the next customer.

Don’t look at your phone. Don’t look anti-social. Look open. Look friendly.
God, this is so hard. How come people never talk about how hard it is to make friends and meet people when you’re an adult?

I drink the tea. My hands are trembling at this point.
The tea spills onto my hands, burning me. I try not to make any noise so that no one stares.
My hands have turned bright red. The physical pain joins the party with the emotional, and it all becomes too much. I silently get up, leaving the tea behind, and I swiftly walk out of the café.

I’m back in my room. Scrolling. Scrolling. Scrolling.
I compare myself to a girl on instagram with big boobs and a tiny stomach. I decide to get up and eat some chocolate. That’ll make me feel better. Before I know it, the wrapper is empty, and I feel worse than I did before I started eating it.

I don’t know what to do.

I speak to the friendly strangers online. They tell me I’m beautiful and that they love me. I read their comments as though they’re speaking about someone else, because how could someone think that about me? It doesn’t make sense.
My brain replays the memories of the only person I ever loved, to provide me with a sense of company. I re-live all the moments when I was blissfully happy, I remember all the times I looked into your eyes and felt like I was truly alive.

And then I wake up.

I hear the birds outside. I remember the sounds the wood pigeons made when I would ride my bike to school every day when I was 10. I remember coming home to see my Mum had a cup of tea and a few biscuits waiting for me on the kitchen counter. She asks me how my day was, she plays with my hair and I feel completely safe. I’d put my coat on, walk outside to our chicken coop, and look up at the sky.
This was my home. This is where all my friends were. This is where I belonged.

It was now a few days after my 12th birthday. I remember the smell of fish fingers heating up in the oven as my parents sat me and my brother down and told us we were leaving England to move to Australia for Dad’s work. I remember the first time I experienced depression. I remember actively choosing not to speak to my parents or answer them back when they spoke to me. I remember crying into my Auntie’s arms as I was telling her about how much I wanted to stay. This is my home. I don’t want to leave.

High school is a blur.
A blur of being thrown into lockers, being told I wasn’t good enough.
She’s a freak. She dresses like such a weirdo. I literally don’t understand a word she says when she speaks.

I found myself standing in front of the mirror every night. Repeating the words. Forcing myself to have an accent like the girls at school.

It’s now 10 years later.
I spread my wings, I trusted my gut, and I flew back to my home.

But is your home a place, or is it the people that make it a home?
Something I’m yet to understand.

Welcome to my mind. A place even I can’t understand.

I can’t wait for the day that this all starts to make sense.
I hope that day arrives soon.

Love always,
Danielle.

PS: I’m meeting about 4 new people in the upcoming weeks which should be really lovely. This whole experience is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, and it is a really nice feeling to type it all out there into the open. Although I cried about 5 times whilst writing this, I’m glad that I did.

PPS: If you are the boy who is still checking up on me after you screwed me over and screwed up my head into this dark place, close this page and stop. You’ll never understand what you did to me.

PPPS: Boys are overrated. Pugs are forever.

Follow:

46 Comments

  1. Johanna Berkahn
    July 29, 2017 / 10:20 pm

    Hey, love the article. Just want you to know if people make you feel unimportant they dont deserve you! Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.

  2. July 29, 2017 / 10:22 pm

    Makes me feel so sad you feel like this. I am a few miles away from Brighton but always welcome round for a cuppa. Lots of love xxxxxx

  3. Maddie Nye
    July 29, 2017 / 10:34 pm

    Dani. Your words in this blog post were so beautiful and well written. The fact you feel like this does hurt my heart a little, having followed you on youtube for ages now – i’ve seen your move to Brighton. You are such a beautiful and talented young lady who I look up to a lot through lots of situations. I actually live just ten minutes away from Brighton city centre and have done for 17 years. I am always here for you, like many others, sometimes you just may not realise it xxxx

  4. July 29, 2017 / 10:36 pm

    Remember that you’re an amazing person and if I lived in England or you lived in Canada, I’d LOVE to be your friend. love you!

  5. Courtney Bryant
    July 29, 2017 / 10:47 pm

    Hey dani, I’ve only been following you a short time but I admire your honesty so much writing this and although I only moved from Wales to Southampton it really does feel like miles away from home…I definitely think you’re not homesick for the place but for the people (although Australia sounds amazing) because they were the positive energy you’d surround yourself with (that’s what I think about my experience anyway) and now you just need to find your new “go tos”, I understand how you feel about it being hard making friends it was made easier for me because of uni and work but it’s still the hardest thing, sending the biggest hugs! From one stranger to another I guess! Hope you find your feet xx

  6. Rachel
    July 29, 2017 / 10:58 pm

    How have you literally wrote down exactly how I feel. However I am at home where I live with family around but barely any friends and feel so alone but I want to escape and move next year but I’ll have to do if alone and don’t want to feel the way you are but want to get away because I’m so unhappy where I am and am sick of waiting for other people to want to go away or go abroad for the summer.

  7. T B
    July 29, 2017 / 11:07 pm

    I hope that you have a good evening Dani, rest well!

    You showed so much vulnerability in this post. The writing grants some perspective to your audience about the personal difficulties that content creators like yourself face behind the camera. It is easy to say and think, “Oh that person has so many followers. Oh that person has so many views. He or she must be satisfied and content,” but it is difficult to stop and think about how the creator feels once the cameras stop rolling.

    This subject may connect with a lot of your audience, and with people in general. You are finding your footing in a new environment, and you are having a difficult time connecting with others. I insist you have some patience. Do not beat yourself up unnecessarily. I do not know you personally, but I can say that if you make a proper plan and try to push yourself towards your goals, you can get there. Be them social goals, career goals, or personal goals – as you decided to share here – you are capable. One day you may not feel terribly alone.

    Wish you good health and good fortune.

  8. Leah Marie
    July 29, 2017 / 11:12 pm

    God I’ve never related to something so hard as I have to this, I’m 17 and I can’t make friends either, I have none and starting to believe that’s how it’ll always be, I know I’m young but making friends is something I can’t do

  9. Chiara Gargiulo
    July 29, 2017 / 11:21 pm

    Just the fact that you feel and experience all these things every day, and you still are able to put things out there to help other people who may need to hear just what you have to say, says so much about the wonderful person that you are! I understand how you feel. This feeling of just dont understanding your mind, I know it can be desperating.
    Maybe you can do a little kind of meet and greet, in a public space or something and just meet some of us and chat for a little while.
    I live in Argentina (just a little far away) but believe me, I would totaly meet with you to get to know each other and laugh until we cry.
    Thank you for sharing everything with us!
    xo

  10. Malin from Sweden
    July 29, 2017 / 11:27 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I can seriously relate to every word. Especially in getting new friends as an adult when you’re depressed and feeling like an complete alien among other people. The everlasting struggle of trying to reach out while your whole body tries to escape.. I’ve watched youtube and stuff for a few years now and you were the first one I started to watch regulary because of your blog. I have no idea how I came across your blog in the first place, but after reading your articles I really felt that I found someone that could explain in detail, the same feelings I felt aswell. I have never ever left a comment or like or anything because of the monster in my head that says “whats the point?”, “someone have already said that”, “he/she probably wont even read it”..yadayada. what I’m trying to say, without sounding super creepy or I don’t know.. something haha. You are not alone in having these struggles. Well, this was a reeeeally long way of saying that. But I hope that maybe you now feel that, you already had a friend the whole time at the cafe. Someone like you, sitting in a different cafe, thinking and hoping exactly the same thing.

  11. Lucas Leite
    July 29, 2017 / 11:57 pm

    Hi Dani, I don’t know if you read all your direct, but I want to tell you something, I’m from Brazil, I’m still learning english ( watch your videos help me so much), I’m sorry if I say something wrong
    you’re amazing, I love you personally, you are so lovely, I admire you because you listen you heart, I love to watch you videos, you changed my mind, see your videos about travel helped me believe in my dreams and make them reality, I know it’s hard to make new friends and feel alone (I’m feeling the same thing right now) but keep Following your dreams, you came back to England because you listened you heart and that it’s beautiful!
    I don’t if you have any religion, but if you have, remember someone is looking and taking care of you, your family is far away at the moment but they are still with you and you have your Beans with you ❤️ every one pass for a hard time on life and this make the people stronger, improve them, so, just carry on, great things are coming for you ❤️

  12. July 30, 2017 / 6:08 am

    Hi Dani! This is written so well. I have been following you on Youtube and other social media sites for some time now. I can agree with a lot of your feelings and your tweets! This blog post is so relatable and so real. I love how honest and real you get. That is hard to find and it is truly amazing how you stay so humble and true to yourself. You are beautiful inside and out. Your genuine happiness shows in videos and I love that create content that makes you happy and not just the “views”. Stay positive and would love to chat & get to know one another some time! 🙂

  13. July 30, 2017 / 8:40 am

    You are amazing Dani, so lovely and kind hearted. It is so wonderful that you follow your heart and are true to yourself. Thank you for your honesty and writing this post, it is so relatable. I think to settle in to the new home and city takes time, I find it grows on you with time and feels more and more like home. I have moved to Brighton couple of weeks ago and it is quite lonely I have to admit. If you ever wish to go for a meal or meet up for cup of tea let me know. Would be lovely to meet.
    Sending all the best wishes.
    Lots of love xx
    http://www.lienasnow.com

  14. July 30, 2017 / 11:09 am

    I completely understand and relate to all of this. I moved to brighton late last year and have found it so tough being away from the world I’d built for myself and the people who truly know me. I suffer with my mental health too and while I know it doesn’t help at all, feeling lonely and down just makes me shut myself away more and push other people away too. It’s such a contradiction but it’s not something I can control that easily, the down days are just a lot heavier when you don’t have your support network around you. I’m fortunate to have made friends through work but it still isn’t the same as my besties and I can’t really be myself to the same extent, so I completely get it must be so much harder not working the average job or meeting people through the usual avenues in a completely new country. Please don’t shut yourself away, it’s easy to sit at home and feel like no one would notice if you were gone when you’ve been shut away for days but those thoughts are a product of the situation and not the truth at all. I’m well aware I’m giving you this advice although I rarely take it myself though. I don’t know much about you and I only followed you super recently when you were asking for brighton reccomendations on my twitter timeline, you seem kind and intelligent and I relate a lot to what you’re going through. Its great that you’ve got a dog too, having something that relies on you and forces you outside is such an invaluable help. If you ever need anything at all or want to talk to someone/see the sights/hang out at a gig or something then just get in touch. I’m not one to reach out to people like this usually but as I said, I’ve been through it and still go through it and it sucks seeing you so precisely say all the things I’ve felt since moving. And if not, please at least remember there are lots are people around who care and that how you feel now isn’t how you’re always going to feel. I hope things start to fit into place for you soon 🙂

  15. July 30, 2017 / 4:13 pm

    This is so sad to read, but you’re really brave for writing it. The amount of blog posts sat in my drafts folder that read along the lines of this are untrue. I can’t speak for everyone but I’ve definitely been there and feel like this all the time.
    You’ve taken a mad leap. I think we share the same traits as deep thinkers and over analysers, it’s really hard. I find it difficult not to take things personally when plans are cancelled or my texts aren’t replied to, but you just have to win the little daily battles.
    Social media can be a horribly isolating place but I’ve met some incredible friends who’s values align to mine much more closely than my ‘real life’ friends on social media. Just keep doing you, being yourself, getting up & on with it and I can promise you’ll be able to ride it out much better soon.
    You’ve just ripped off the plaster, of course it’s gonna sting! Sending you so much love & admiration for being so candid and honest. Its not nice admitting your vulnerabilities but it makes the growing process much faster.
    I know we’ve already spoke on Twitter but I thought I’d share my thoughts with you on here, I know it’s a bit more personal.
    I’m sure you receive a tonne of support and adoration but I figured sometimes it’s nice to not get worshipped and just have a friend who will listen.
    Always got a friend here if you need one.
    Alice at http://www.thehoneytrap.co

    xxx

  16. Libby
    July 30, 2017 / 8:24 pm

    Hi Dani! I’m a long time follower and love your content. I also struggle with bad anxiety and depression, and totally understand what you are feeling! One thing that took a while for me to understand: it’s okay to not be okay. It is ok to cry and feel worthless and broken. It’s ok to be alone and experience life as an individual, to go to cafés by yourself and eat alone. The anxiety in my head can be overwhelming and make functioning unbearable, but at the end of the day no one really cares or remembers that girl eating alone. Just do things that make you happy, and f*ck what others think. I accept the anxiety and thankfully I’ve learned to love myself and the imperfections that make me myself. If you’re ever in the US I would be happy to get together! Remember you’re not alone and life can suck, but it’s only temporary. Things get better

  17. Alice
    July 30, 2017 / 11:02 pm

    Your honesty is so refreshing in a world where people are constantly trying to prove themselves. I can relate to this so freaking much. Thank you so much for being open, for being strong, for being unique and for expressing your true feelings – we all should do this more. I honestly can’t thank you enough. If you’re ever in Canberra in Oz, I’d love to have a cuppa with you :).

  18. Rute Sacramento
    July 31, 2017 / 5:24 pm

    Hi Dani! I’ve sent u a private msg via instagram 🙂 I’m happy to meet you a become friends with you! You seem like a great person! I hope you can visit me here in UK! 🌸

  19. Isabella Marsson
    July 31, 2017 / 6:41 pm

    Hi Dani!! I feel you! truly and completely! I admire your honesty so muchhh!!!! I’m going through a situation like yours, but I don’t have the balls to do what you just did, write your feelings out with such honesty and bravery. You are such an inspiring person <3 Most of people just don't get us, you know, it doesn't matter what you say, or if you try to explain what you feel, they just don't get what is like to be stuck. The truth is that our head is literally the worst place to walk alone. It's basically a dangerous neighborhood to walk alone during the night (Chester Bennington's words). I'm stuck with my poor, depressing, evil thoughts, that are constantly hurting me! it's like an alter ego that screws with me when I'm alone. Some friends don't even take me seriously! you know why? they say I'm beautiful, so I don't have "real" problems. So I basically can't say a shit, because I have blue eyes, or because I'm skinny and pretty and bla bla bla bla. So I just want to thank you for opening up yourself, saying how you really feel, for being this incredible and caring person that I know you are. I really hope things get better, and that soon enough you'll find yourself, and that we'll learn how to control this fucking alter ego that is constantly screwing with us hahahaha If you ever come to Brazil ( São Paulo) I would love to meet you in person! and when I go to England you will be the first person that I will call to show me around!! hahaha <3
    xx Isabella 🙂

    ps: Insta: isamarsson
    (if you ever want to chit chat;) hahahah )

  20. Sian
    July 31, 2017 / 9:17 pm

    Your writing is beautiful. I have been trying to start a blog myself but could never put anything into writing this well. You bought a tear to my eye as this is so relatable it is unreal. Family have been telling me for the last 2 years that I need to go out and make some friends and i am now getting to the point where i think how did I ever make friends. I wake up every day thinking I do not want to adult again. You are not alone Dani. Much love x

  21. Britney
    August 1, 2017 / 7:11 am

    Hey Dani, I found you on youtube ages ago back when you had your dark brown hair. Literally fell inlove with you and your personality. I feel as though youre exactly like me. Thank you for posting this I can seriously relate. I have suffered depression and anxiety when my mum died when I was 14 and i’m 18 now and i thought that it would go away but it hasn’t. I dont feel it all the time but it still lingers and floods you at times you’d rather it not. You’re honestly such a beautiful person, you have the biggest heart and you deserve the entire world. Dont ever forget that its okay to cry, its okay to be sad. i get the loneliness on some level. I started uni this year and after losing my best friend I had to face uni alone which was so daunting for me. I always got scared that id be the “loner” or “the girl with no friends” but at the end of the day you need to think who cares? I try and tell myself that I’m stupid for thinking this way and that it’s okay that youre by yourself and that no one cares, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and thats just something I have to deal with. Keep your head up high Dani and please continue to be and influence and be someone I really look up to. Also, I live in Brisbane and when you were moving to England from Melbourne even though you weren’t in the same city as me my heart sunk. Take care and I promise things do get better, eventually.

  22. August 1, 2017 / 7:51 am

    I understand what you’re going through. I feel alone and noone cares about me, maybe except for my mum and my bf. I find everyone so mean and just caring about themselves, they don’t listen to me they don’t look for me. I’m talking about family and “friends” too. I don’t have any friends. I tried to escape all this, (I’m in Italy) – I went to London and lived there 2 years, realising I was becoming worse than I could ever be, I was letting myself go and that was not good for me at all. I thought in a new place I could be myself without constant judgement but I felt so alone that I was more depressed than ever been. I’m now back to where I was, where I’ve always been. I am not happy but I try to accept what is going on around me and just don’t care anymore about what people think of me and accepting myself for who I am. It’s very hard cos I feel like an alien and don’t understand people. But hey, there’s nothing we can do. Your story gives me an insight of how life really is, that can be tough for some people and we don’t even know, as we focus on what people appear and how we think their life is, without even knowing what they’ve been through. And I believe you should think this way too: don’t focus on the “perfect life” you see people are living just because they’re showing they’re happy on social media. They might have something going on that they’re not showing. People’s life might not be perfect, nobody’s perfect, so don’t compare yourself or your life to other’s. Try to smile because many people envy you, cos you’re beautiful and sweet, like me, I appreciate your honesty and I love watching every single video you make. A lot of people appreciate you, so don’t be discouraged. I’m sure if you try to think about life with positivity, things will get better. They have to… otherwise there’s no hope for anybody. Love you xx You’re not alone.

  23. August 1, 2017 / 8:03 am

    I can’t express how incredible it is to see someone so open about mental health. Your honesty helps so many people and that is something to truly be admired. Keep being true to yourself, your bravery is incredible and I know that you’re an inspiration to so many. Don’t put yourself down, remember that there’s only one you XX

  24. August 1, 2017 / 8:26 am

    Literally thought I was reading my own writing. This is how I feel far too often. I moved from Brisbane, Australia and man, is it tough to make friends. It’s taken me a year and a half but I’ve finally found a couple of people I can truly count on.
    I had a similiar high school experience to you too, and even though I’m now 25 it still affects my everyday.
    Trust me, as hard as it may be (I am a stranger for heavens sake), but it will get much easier. The first year away from family is the hardest.
    You got this girl!
    Morgan x

  25. August 1, 2017 / 9:21 am

    Oh Dani! You’re not alone gorgeous, i feel like i’ll be alone forever and i literally can’t see myself ever being happy. So i completely understand. Just want you to know that we love you and things will get better. its just hard to see what the future will look like. xxx

  26. Similar feeling
    August 1, 2017 / 10:29 am

    I can’t believe what I just read, it sounds so similar to what I’m currently going through. Although our lives are completely different, I can relate to how you’re feeling… I feel like all these “friends” are too busy with their own lives, with their husbands and families, which is great, but I’m always the one making the first contact which I’m honestly sick of.
    I bought a journal so I can write my thoughts down in. Not sure if that’s a good idea but we’ll soon find out. I really hope things start getting better for you and you find some great genuine friends as everyone needs that.

  27. August 1, 2017 / 10:36 am

    This is incredibly beautiful and insightful, Dani. We’re all there feeling it with you, and understand that loneliness is a part of the human condition. Even when you do have a loving partner to curl up next to each night, you can still be filled with an invasive sense of emptiness. I hope that you find the strength and inner courage to realise that this will be another milestone you’ll look back on and laugh about.

    https://sophiaannamodel.wordpress.com/2017/07/27/dear-friend/

    xx

  28. Jess
    August 1, 2017 / 11:52 am

    Hey Dani,

    I feel what you’re going through right now and it’s really, really shit but it’s times like this where we learn the most about ourselves and come out stronger 🙂 I moved to Melbourne from NZ a few months ago when I was 21 by myself, with literally one friend here who is in a serious relationship and I rarely see. I am going through one of the roughest times in my life at the moment and feel so alone, but like you, I know it will get better.

    Thank you so much for sharing your personal thoughts with everyone, it made me feel a lot less lonely tonight xx

  29. August 1, 2017 / 11:55 am

    I wish you didn’t leave Melbourne!
    I live in Melbourne and wish we could have been friends.
    Reading this was powerful, I see myself in it.
    And I think anyone should feel proud to be your friend, you seem like such an amazing young woman and I would be thrilled to be your friend. I’ve been subscribed to you on YouTube for many years and always watching.
    Sammy xo

  30. Graciela Chavez
    August 1, 2017 / 3:08 pm

    I literally know exactly how this feels because I have chronic migraines from getting a head injury and I constantly feel alone like that. I felt like no one was there for me that I had no friends, and this went on for 2 years. But it does get better if you allow it to. It gets better when you keep forcing yourself out of bed, you keep going outside, you find friends from things like church, school, other activities and they give you a chance even though you’re vulnerable and it builds your confidence, and you feel happier. And you have hope because you deserve happiness, friendship, and peace of mind. And boyfriends won’t make you happy, items won’t make you happy, its friendship that let’s us start to rwcognize ourselves again and then we can start romantic relationships and feel mire alive. All these people are out in the world waiting to be found. You can do this Dani. You are not alone. Your fans love you sure, but there’s people out there that feel exactly like you do and you’ll find those people if you keep looking.

  31. August 1, 2017 / 3:36 pm

    Hi Dani:
    This post really echoed so many emotions, situations, doubts, and struggles I myself have been drowning in lately. Social media has connected us in ways we’ve never been connected before, but a lot of us have never felt more alone.I myself have very few friends, we’ve all gotten older and our lives have all taken their own unique paths. Some have children, some are career focused, some have moved, whatever it may be. Time keeps passing and before you know it, you haven’t seen one of those few friends in years, and that loneliness really sinks in. I share your feelings on making friends as an adult – it’s incredibly hard. The fact that so few of us even share this struggle makes it even more difficult. Instead, we put an image of perfection out into the world, all the while comparing ourselves to one another and filling our own heads with doubt and self loathing. It’s a truly vicious cycle that adds no substance to our lives.
    I think it’s important we acknowledge these feelings, and I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing them on your platform. I feel less alone knowing knowing we share this struggle, as do so many others.

    ‘This, too, shall pass’

    Love from Canada, xx

  32. August 1, 2017 / 9:22 pm

    Hi Dani! I am sure you hear from other people of how sorry they are for what you are going through, and I am also sorry. I am sorry because for some reason life likes to make us feel so small and so out of place in a world of 7 billion people. I have told myself before “In a world full of 7 billion people how come not one cares?” Then someone comes along and changes that for me and reminds me of the people that do care but are just busy living their own lives. If I lived in Brighton (or anywhere remotely close) I would love to be your friend. Just know that even if I am a stranger I am one out of the millions people on this planet that supports you and loves you and wants to see you happy. I hope this dark patch passes soon and things start to brighten up. (As I know they will) Love you xo

  33. tara
    August 1, 2017 / 9:27 pm

    This was so sad to read I understand this not having your close family nearby is really hard but things will definitely get better you’ll easily meet an amazing guy soon you are a stunning girl danni i find you so relatable I have anxiety too but your brave to say things the way you do and be so open and you will help people by doing that. Xx

  34. Caitlin Nicole
    August 1, 2017 / 10:20 pm

    As someone else who works from home and knows the feeling of being isolated its reassuring to know other people are experiencing this as well. I’ve tried explaining this to other people and they just don’t get it.

    ALSO the PPS and PPPS are the absolute realest thing in the world just keep slayin away Dani boys aren’t worth it and your dog is perfect

    <3

  35. August 2, 2017 / 2:06 am

    Hi Dani, I cried like 5 sentences into this because it is so real for me too. I am 23 years old I just landed the dream job I have been working for my whole life and am getting ready to move to Toronto from my hometown. Everything is going in the right direction yet I feel completely emotionless, I feel guilty that I am ungrateful for achieving something huge after years and years of thinking my life/career would amount to nothing. Its so hard when everyone around you is telling you they are so excited for you but you aren’t even excited about yourself, and the people you want to celebrate your accomplishments with aren’t there anymore. Everything you said from the feeling lonely, and awkward, missing people you love or loved, getting used by someone you let in; I am going through the exact same things. One thing that has really helped me was putting together all the ideas I have for my life (my dream life) and writing them down/reading them, every single day. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes when you focus on keeping your eye on the prize the in-between seems a little bit less painful. Another thing I recommend is almost making an event out of the things you do on a day to day to bring some excitement. For example in the mornings when i wake up and get ready for work I’ve started lighting candles and playing music to almost set a “mood” for no one but myself. Doing little things like this to make you feel more comfortable on your own gives you a little bit more of a kick to get out of bed. I feel like NO ONE is talking about how hard this age can be, especially with the added pain of anxiety, depression, heartbreak, loneliness, failure, or all of the above. Please find peace in knowing that you inspire hundreds of thousands of girls everyday, whether you think your faking it or not, something about you, your personality, creativity, and experiences help us more than you probably know, even if it isn’t your ideal situation. I am going to tell you the same thing I’m trying to tell myself everyday. Don’t compare yourself to the people you’ve deemed “normal” because they will live “normal” lives. You were given an incredible gift of creativity and the strength to put yourself out there, that alone will isolate you from all of the people who are too afraid to step outside of their comfort zone. The girls you see with big boobs and flat stomachs and perfect boyfriends and loads of friends hurt you because they have what you think you’re missing, but don’t forget about what you have (quickly at a glance, Beauty, intelligence, creativity, ambition, love, courage) that they may be wishing for harder than you think. When i find the solution to getting over missing someone I will let you know but in the meantime, we need to pick ourselves back up and be the badass babes we have in our heads. Self improvement is an ongoing journey for everyone, having high standards for yourself comes with some pain but it also can lead to an extraordinary life. If were as alike as I think we are you probably find yourself constantly counting how many years you have left to turn things around and live this rich life you wish for so bad. Be greatful that you started the journey for self reliance early and aren’t putting a band aid over the fact that you dont know who you are because you spent your entire early-adult years distracting yourself with other people. Ride the wave and you will come out stronger, more confident and happier than you were yesterday. Love you and please hang in there. 💖

  36. Ally
    August 2, 2017 / 2:17 am

    Hey Dani…

    This post made me cry, because I could almost see what was going through your head. I admire you for your courage to post this online, because everyone who has read it, commented, or read it and didn’t took something away from this. I have never moved away from home, so I can’t say I have gone through every aspect of this. But I admire the fact that you trusted your gut and flew back to where you belong. Trusting your gut is so extremely important, because something inside you is literally telling you what to do. And I think it was an amazing choice for you to make. I’ve been watching your vlogs about moving from Australia back to England, which I never knew was your home previously. That brings me to the fact of social media, putting on that strong, happy persona that everyone believes, expect for yourself. The fact that not everyone knows who you fully are. Believe me, I can understand that. And that feeling can be the loneliest of all. Bringing me back to the whole moving part, I believe moving back to where your heart belongs will be the right decision in the end. It is so extremely hard to pick up everything and move somewhere totally new (but old at the same time). Meeting new people is probably one of the hardest things about that whole transition (including moving anxiety ughhh). Props to you for going to that cafe, because that takes a hell of a lot inside of you to drag yourself there and put on a tough face. I have definitely done it before, and it doesn’t always work. But I bet, guarantee you even, that there was someone there in that cafe, who saw you, alone, and respected you for that. Being independent, not really caring that you were alone. I bet that person (or people) were impressed by the fact you were sitting there, alone, no shame. And weren’t tempted to use your phone and distract yourself in line. And I know that that wasn’t going through your head at the time. I know your intention of going to that cafe was to seem open to meet someone new and make friends. It doesn’t always work. But you tried. You put something good out there, and effort. I am a huge believer in the Law of Attraction and karma, and I believe that something great will come back to you. Maybe someone in that cafe was also thinking the same things as you. Maybe they didn’t feel like they belonged there either. You belong there, you really do. Keep putting in the effort, dispersing your good into the world. The good will come back. Ride that wave, it will crash, and things will get better. Keep on shining, Dani.

    I love you and your videos, you make other people happy, and you deserve some true happiness, and sense of belonging.

    The best is yet to come…

  37. Lauren
    August 2, 2017 / 11:16 am

    Dani, I can’t explain how much I relate to so much of this.
    I’m 17 and never in my life have I felt so alone.
    I’m surrounded by friends yet still manage to feel as though no one is there.
    I have someone who I’m usually relatively dependent on but recently I’ve found myself distancing myself from them, not sharing as much, being more blunt in responses, I feel like I cant open up.
    I feel that way with everyone really. Everyone says they’re here for me if I ever need, but I’m in constant need which results in my constant need to rant, complain or frantically message someone – all that make me feel rude, like a burden, inconsiderate of their feelings, and so on.
    It’s so hard, the feeling of being alone is truly one of the worst and it has only amplified to it’s maximum for me now. In year 12 in Australia. In the most stressful term of the year I feel alone, scared, vulnerable, stupid, angry, upset, stressed beyond belief and so much more. – All this, I feel like I have no real person to rant to, only twitter.

    Thank you for being brave enough to post this, I know it would’ve been hard, telling people you feel alone is so hard and I commend you for sharing it with the world.
    Sending my love to you, message your Mum, Dad, Talia or even me or anyone else if you need.
    – Lauren xxx
    twitter: @dreamiivory (DM me if you are ever in need of a chat, rant, anything)

  38. Amy
    August 4, 2017 / 5:42 am

    Instead of scrolling you should read, it helped me a lot and it’s crazy how sometimes you can feel bored and alone and your phone makes that feeling 10x worse

  39. Beatrice Poole-Ferguson
    August 4, 2017 / 6:45 pm

    I’ve never related to something so deeply. This is the painful truth. For me, it’s work-home-work-home. Yes, I have my partner, and I’m grateful for him everyday, but if he wasn’t there I would be alone. I’ve been so comfortable in my relationship bubble for the past few years that you start to loose a lot of people. My friends have their own lives, their own partners and their own responsibilities. It can be months between us talking. I know we’re still friends but life gets in the way. It would be amazing to just have someone to tell everything to. When things happen with harry, I have no-one to tell apart from… harry himself. I envy the people you see on social media, posting that they have had hours of conversations with their friends, or have friends that come over at the last minute because they were feeling crap. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have someone like that?
    I just want you to know you are never alone, there is always someone who would be there. If only they made a social media jut for adults to make FRIENDS! Sadly it’s hard.
    If you ever need anyone to talk just know we are all here, including me. We all need a good friend sometimes, just come and find me ❤️

  40. Tiffany
    August 9, 2017 / 1:50 pm

    Hey Dani,

    I completely agree it is so hard to make friends when you’re an adult. I moved to a new state 7 years ago with my husband. I still don’t have any friends. The friends from back home are girls I went to school with and I guess they’re busy with their own lives, we don’t really talk that much anymore. I think most people find their adult friends at work. Maybe because you’re around them all the time. I lost my job a few months back and the people that I was friendly with a work don’t really bother to stay in touch. Right now my friends are my 4 year old, 2 year old, my husband and all our animals. I do wish I could call up a friend and just talk but it feels kind of awkward. I couldn’t even imagine going to a place to sit and try to make friends. I think even if other people where there who wished they’d have friends, it’s just intimidating and awkward to go up to someone new. I think it’s awesome that you had the guts to do that though. Even if you feel it wasn’t successful, pat yourself on the back for having the balls to put yourself out there and show up. My only advice would be to find one of your interest and attend something that has to do with it, like a class or conference or just even a meeting group for it. Bottom line, don’t give up. There’s nothing wrong with you that someone wouldn’t want to be your friend. People are here reading your blog and watching your videos because there is something they see in you that they enjoy. I love that you can be open and put it out there that life is not always rainbows and sunshine. I understand putting on a smile so the world doesn’t always know your pain, but being real and sharing your feelings is raw and relatable. It lets people see the real you. Keep on fighting this Dani. Be strong, be brave.

  41. Eva
    August 13, 2017 / 11:11 pm

    Girl…your words spoke into my heart, seriously. I know that it’s really hard to find someone to understand or just simply care enough. They will give you “advice”, but they just won’t care. I’m just 21 and I feel like my life is running out of time. Wake up- work- study- sleep. No real friends, no adventures, just living. Overthinking can be a real bitch. If you ever want a break from your own thoughts, you have an open invitation to Greece 🙂

    Be strong
    Eva x

  42. Dani
    August 17, 2017 / 11:28 pm

    OH MY GOD DANI. I can relate so much to you it’s funny we have the same name and almost same situation. Although I am a bit younger than you;). A year ago .. a young girl who’s only 16 moves to Brighton, to a college and starts her new life there w anyone she knows. It was so hard for me. Especially when most of the school is full of people that aren’t like me and I can’t see myself being friends with them:( but as they time passed, things got better and better and now I love all my friends and the environment I am obsessed w England! Reading your post, made me just cry. I am feeling so bad for you girl. Stay strong you are such an amazing person. I just want to be like you when I grow up. STAY STRONG MY LOVE❤️

  43. Natashia
    August 21, 2017 / 5:44 am

    Just wow. As I read this I hung onto every word as tears filled my eyes. This was so relatable. I just want to say that I have been following you for a while now and feel as if you are a long lost friend. You are amazing and just remember there are so many people out there that would love to get to know you. Much love from Canada.

  44. Kendal Reeves
    August 21, 2017 / 6:33 pm

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your personal thoughts and feelings. It’s great to know that I’m not alone. Ride the wave 🌊 I started watching your makeup tutorials before I knew anything about the blog. Feels great to not only get makeup advice but everyday knowledge.. I love you!💕

  45. September 14, 2017 / 4:59 pm

    Dani –

    I know your blogging/vlogging audience is much larger than mine, but I will be speaking to a couple thousand people next month on how we move from thumb to thumb interactions… to having more face to face interactions. I found your video and was listening to it as I was doing some research when you said something that grabbed my attention. “Social media is the edited existence of our being.” Studies are showing we may have scores of online ‘friends’, but very limited close friends… 25% of Americans say ZERO.

    I appreciate your honesty. And I hope I can encourage people who have been burned in relationships to give it another shot… to actually take the initiative… and to do so knowing they are LOVED. We love others how we’ve been loved in the past. I’m a Jesus follower, and He said “love as I have loved you.” I want my friends to be able to love out of the fullness of feeling loved themselves.

    Again, thank you… from a dad of three amazing daughters.

    Johnny Aho

Leave a Reply