Lovers of The Past

In solitary times, it’s not unusual to think about the life we have already lived.
A smell. A song. A place.
It can teleport you back to a distant memory in your mind.

I have loved many people in my life.
Although, I have only been in love with one.

To me, you can love many things.
I love the people who smile at you on the street.
I love the when you walk out of the ocean and lay on the sand on a warm day,
and you feel the sun kissing your skin.
I love animal’s eyes, and the story they’re trying to tell you through them.

Yet, I love some people for what they have taught me, through hurting me.
I love that they have made me stronger. Wiser.

My lovers of the past, some for a short moment, some for years,
will always stick in my mind.
The ghosts I revisit in my dreams.
They are ghosts,
because they simply don’t exist anymore.

There was the high school sweetheart.
The popular boy. The boy who was envied by his friends,
and craved by the girls.
How foolish I was to believe that was love, at fourteen.
Love is not making up excuses for someone as they leave bruises on your body.
Love is not tolerating someone because those around you tell you
he can do so much better.

At sixteen, I left.
It took being strangled to leave.

And I will never forgive myself
for not leaving sooner.

The next few months were a blur.
A careless sixteen year old, who was lost in the world.
A girl with no true identity.
I found myself in the arms of boys who found it entertaining to mislead girls.
Yet, I allowed myself to go through this.
I didn’t know any different.
I didn’t know what love was.

And then,
I met the person who changed that.

The first time we met, I already knew.
I realised my life was about to change.
There was something so different. Something I’d never felt before.
I felt this unexplainable pull towards him, and before I knew it, three years passed.

They say your first love never dies,
but the people we were did.
Those memories will live on forever in my mind, even if we don’t exist anymore.

We dissolved, and everything became blurry.
Days merged into one.
And whenever I would open my eyes,
I would find myself standing in a nightclub, surrounded by insincere smiles.
In a sea of people,
Yet still so alone.
Dancing with blurred vision and holding hands with those
who only pretended to like me
so they could enjoy the perks.
Dazed and uncertain, I walked up to the bar,
and stumbled into the next one.

The Artist.

I knew his face for years, only through a pile of pixels on a screen.
He taught me more about myself than anyone else ever could.
Deliberately or unknowingly, he was the one who showed me who I truly was.

The artist was a distant, unreachable man.
The type of man who was only put on your path for a split second,
so that you would finally understand.
I remember tracing the art on his body with my fingertips,
knowing all along that he would disappear.
Although temporary, the happiness I felt exploring the world together
compensated for all the sadness that surrounded my life at that time.

The artwork went up in flames,
and I provided the fuel for it to explode.
I buried my head in the sand,
blaming my problems on everyone else.

As months passed by, so did men.
Men who would promise me the world,
Yet once given the key to my mind,
would steal everything they could,
and run.

Mornings turned into silence.
Waking up to emptiness on the left side of my bed.
And that’s when I met the greatest love of all.

Myself.

Empty months guided me onto the path of who I am.
I began to feel a joy in living a life without strings pulling me down.

And then,
along came The Bird.
I landed at his airport, adrenaline pumping through my blood like electricity.
I found myself bewildered, standing in his kitchen and looking into the eyes of a man
I never believed I’d ever meet.

The bird was the universe’s way of showing me someone who met all of my criteria.
Only to prove to me that what I want, isn’t necessarily what I need.
A beautiful being, who I always knew was just out of my reach.

He flew back into the sky, and at that moment,
I knew I would never experience something like that again.
Can it truly ever be ‘right person, wrong time’?
How can it ever be ‘right person’, if it was not meant to be?

I learned how to fall back in love with myself,
close the book on my past,
and fly to the other side of the world.

To start again.
In a place where the ghosts of my past
can no longer haunt me.

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7 Comments

  1. Mary
    September 20, 2017 / 7:54 am

    So beautifully written Dani! Thank you for opening up.

  2. Clara
    September 20, 2017 / 8:43 am

    I am proud of you ! That you could share something so personal , private and yet so important this is amazing. You really are a strong person and following you had help me in so many ways, help me feel better about myself and my insecurities , and I am happy that I came across your YouTube channel by chance. Love is something difficult and so different for everyone but I hope that sharing this helped you in a way , as I know it will help people who read this post ! Lots of love !

  3. Emma
    September 20, 2017 / 9:17 am

    So beautifully written, Dani. You’re so strong and a true inspiration. So proud of you xx

  4. kori
    September 20, 2017 / 12:56 pm

    this gave me goosebumps ❤️💔, you are so strong dani, & im so flipping proud of you! also your way of writing is incredible and interesting in the most complimentary way possible. :3

  5. Petra
    September 20, 2017 / 7:10 pm

    One of the most beautiful thing,I’ve ever read

  6. Kelcie Noel
    September 21, 2017 / 2:14 am

    This is so incredibly beautiful. I cannot even begin to imagine how many emotions you felt while writing this. It’s a true masterpiece that I’ll look upon in the future.

  7. Allaissa
    September 21, 2017 / 7:54 am

    I thought this was beautifully written. I’m proud of you for being strong enough to leave those toxic relationships. I’ve been watching you on Youtube for a while now and to see you blossom and see you love yourself is amazing!

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